Driving tests can be a scary business. Everyone Googles ‘most failed driving test manoeuvres’ and the most common wrong answers in the practical questions. But what if the aim is to fail? Let’s say your dad’s bought you a 14-year-old Fiesta with no power steering and is forcing you through your test so he can get lifts home on a Friday night. You like riding the bus – it gives you time to think and clear that level you’re stuck on in Candy Crush Saga. Here are half a dozen guaranteed ways to fail your driving test brought to you by The Car Loan Warehouse.
Or if you like some of the ideas in this article and already drive, you’ll just need the rundown of how to drive like a nutter to impress the lads – check out our roadhacker article, which explains how to pull off some awesome manoeuvres and obliterate your mum’s car in the process!
Road Rage
You’re an angry person – you’ve accepted that – and now other people need to learn to accept that too, especially since you’re going to be loose on a roads on your own soon. Why do cars even come with a horn if you aren’t going to use it? Be sure to demonstrate to your examiner you can use the horn correctly and often – you don’t want to be penalised. Be safe. Shout and swear too, and if they’re really grinding your gears, go for the old, stop in the middle of the road, get out and look tough trick. A sure fire way to fail – be sure to take the keys out of the ignition first, with safety in mind. Plus, you don’t want to be left walking home when your examiner flees in fear.
Ask your opposite sex examiner if you can ‘come to some sort of arrangement’
A sure-fire way to be asked to leave the vehicle before you’ve even set off is to pull your kissy face from the moment you meet your examiner. When you get into the car, give them a cheeky wink and ask if the two of you can come to ‘some sort of arrangement’. Bonus points if you’re a guy trying this on with a male instructor. Make sure you have a quick escape plan – you don’t want to be stuck in a sticky situation explaining that you’re just messing around and they must have misunderstood you.
Left foot brake
Driving test rules state that the only time you’re allowed to left-foot brake is to stabilise the car during a hill start – forget that! How are you meant to get the back end out without a little heel-toe action? When you’re going about 30-40mph and you approach a corner and don’t brake, don’t even slow down – just prepare to Tokyo drift that little Corsa right around the bend. Obviously this is your first attempt – you can’t even legally drive yet – so you’re going to have to practise the theory, but the trick is to squeeze the brake without releasing the accelerator and apply more power/brake to keep the car sideways as you drift around the corner. Seatbelts on, guys! 10 points to anyone who rolls their driving test car – an extra 5 to anyone who videos it.
Taxi
Most of us have done it – asked a boy racer friend who is constantly driving for a lift, or putting up a status asking if anyone’s doing lifts in their gran’s Citroen. Get on Twitter and Facebook and find out where your mates are – stick a status up offering lifts for cigarettes instead of petrol money. Now take your examiner on a tour of the council estates while you ferry your friends from party to party. When they inform you the test is over, ask them to exit the vehicle, or offer them a lift back to the test centre – provided they have the cigarettes to pay you, that is.
Donuts
Check roadhacker for a detailed guide on how to pull them off, but this one is all in the timing really. You’ll want to wait until your examiner brings you into a nice big empty car park – they ask you to stop near a space and this is where you have to dive in and commandeer the conversation. Simply exclaim, ‘Oh, I know this one, no problem – watch this!’ Immediately throw the wheel to one side and stamp on that accelerator as hard as you can, keeping the revs high and the wheel turned – and you’ll both be too dizzy to continue in a matter of seconds.
Grand Theft Auto
Aim for that 6-star wanted level – that’s when they bring out the tanks! Think of any game in the GTA series. 1, 2 , 3, go! Forget speed limits and road rules. Driving on pavements is fine, pushing cars out of your way is cool – drive-bys, handbrake turns, anything goes. You’ve played the games – this is your one and only chance to get your real life GTA fix. Just make sure you swerve to hit when people get in your way – you don’t get the points if you miss. You wouldn’t want to miss out just because one guy can jump extraordinarily high. If you crash, just get out and steal another. Try and get a good police chase going – if you’re lucky, you might get on TV, and if you’re dumb, you might get on YouTube. It’s a win-win situation. But once again, seatbelts! There are no cheat codes in real life – if you die or go to prison, you aren’t cheating your way back to it, but either way, you’ll have failed your test.
Good luck and godspeed.
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