If there’s one thing British people are good at, it’s bottling road rage. Whether it’s wishing death upon tailgaters or flicking Vs in the direction of obnoxious cyclists, we really know how to channel our anger in productive ways.
At the end of the day, we’re innocent – it’s everyone else that’s the problem. It goes without saying that most drivers would rather drink battery acid than endure the commute to work, and today we’re naming and shaming the offenders who make this daily journey just that bit more unbearable.
1. Bus lane guy
In Britain, we love nothing more than a good queue – and we’ve really mastered the art of waiting patiently (for the most part). Maybe this is why nothing boils our blood more than watching some smug driver slip into the bus lane and skip to the front. Vans and commercial cars, we’ve got your number – unless you’re willing to give us a lift to work, kindly GTFO.
2. ‘Doesn’t get indicators’ guy
There’s truly no better way to start the day than with a glass of fresh OJ, a steaming bowl of porridge and a near death experience – and awful drivers across the nation are willing to provide this essential service free of charge. With so many licensed drivers apparently unaware that their indicators exist, British roads have now become more dangerous than shark wrestling. Probably. Statistics show that 93% of BMW, Audi and Mercedes drivers believe indicators have about as much function as the human appendix. God bless the British education system.
3. Perpetual Sunday-driver guy
We secretly envy these guys on the roads – the drivers who seemingly have all the time in the world, passing by K, Q and Z on their way from A to B. We’d love nothing more than to take a leisurely cruise around the neighbourhood, but some of us have jobs to get to. All in favour of minimum speed limits, say aye! British drivers assemble!
4. Smug cyclist guy
It’s great that you’re doing your part for the environment rather than adding to the inner-city smog problems, but how many grams of smug do you emit per km? According to data revealed by the TAIB (Traffic Accident Investigation Bureau), the worst offenders are road-bikers who wear revealing lycra outfits over their work wear, showing off their intimate areas in graphic detail. Affectionately known as ‘scum’, these offenders emit dangerous levels of smug. Who knows what kind of environmental impact these terrible two-wheelers will have in the long run?
5. Fickle taxi driver guy
Taxi drivers are the bane of every Brit’s life, whether we’re in there with them or not. Their perplexing way of driving like a dementia patient when you’re inside the taxi and a fugitive when you’re not is one of Britain’s great mysteries. The Schrodinger’s Cat of on-road offenders, the enigmatic taxi driver is simultaneously the most reckless and dawdling person on the road at any given time.
6. Selectively colour blind guy
Solidarity is a big part of British driving etiquette – and if some of us are forced to seethe in the face of an unprecedented red light, we should all have to suffer together. Drivers running red lights with all the remorse of a sociopath have plagued the lives of fellow commuters for too long now. They may not be seeing red but the same can’t be said for the rest of us left in their (frankly un-British) dust.
7. Fearless pedestrian guy
The arrogance of some pedestrians knows no bounds – with many exhibiting little or no respect for the Highway Code we’re forced to memorise. Bounding on to the main road like they’ve got either a death wish or an appetite for verbal abuse, these mentalists should first be removed from our commute and then sectioned.
8. ‘Little princess on board’ guy
Bumper stickers are rarely an acceptable means of self-expression, and there’s nothing quite as disturbing as an eyeful of ‘Little princess on board’ followed by a glimpse of the bald elderly man driving the car sans passengers. There are certain things that can’t be unseen and this one of them. Down with the inappropriate bumper sticker – long live ‘I wish my wife was this dirty’.
9. Unwelcome soundtrack guy
There’s nothing worse than a fellow commuter killing your morning vibe with an unholy dose of noise pollution and, until double glazing is offered to motorists, it looks like there’s no way to escape this epidemic. Ditties such as Scooter’s ‘Logical Song’ and, more recently, Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda’ have been well and truly blacklisted by morning drivers everywhere – and if we hear the bass drop one more time, we’ll be left with no choice but to drop you.
10. ‘No concept of personal space’ guy
We’ve all ridden London’s Underground at rush hour, and no doubt had our faces unceremoniously thrust into the armpit of a sticky new friend – but this behaviour is entirely unwarranted outside of London and off-peak. Body odour is a personal hygiene issue – let’s keep it personal, guys.
11. ‘No hands’ guy
Driving without your hands on the wheel or eyes on the road is bloody dangerous – and worse still, it’s an inconvenience for other drivers unfortunate enough to be in your vicinity. Who are you texting, Queen Elizabeth? Tell her we said you’re a douche. Think we’ve missed anyone? Let us know and they might just be inducted into our Road Rage Hall of Shame. Commuters of Britain, we salute you. Godspeed.
