It’s intervention time. You’re a terrible driver and you must be stopped. Take a look at just some of the reasons that you’re every pedestrian’s worst nightmare and every other driver’s arch nemesis – before it’s too late.
A little driver camaraderie never hurt anyone – and heaven knows those cold, dark drives can get pretty lonely – but you really need to exercise some boundaries. There’s close and then there’s too close – and you, my friend, are about two inches short of an awkward encounter.
2. BAD PARKING
We don’t care whether you have issues with personal space or were saving that other spot for someone else – this is not acceptable. Some guy (perhaps even a whole team of guys) were employed solely to paint those lovely white lines on the ground, and the least you can do is play some harmless car tetris for the sake of etiquette.
3. DEM HIGH BEAMS
Exhibitonists, hang your heads in shame. Making yourself known is all fine and well, but if you don’t turn those bad boys down, retinas will suffer. Some drivers need to realise that there’s a time and a place – and we regretfully inform you that you’re a major perpetrator. We see how shiny you are and unfortunately we simply do not care.
4. HORN ABUSE
Beeping that horn of yours is a great way to express your bubbling road rage – and an even better way of attracting unsuspecting female pedestrians – but we have to draw the line somewhere. Horn abuse in the midst/at the front of a traffic jam may be delightfully quirky but you must see that there is nothing to be gained through the medium of noise. It’s time to reassess your driving strategies.
5. INDICATOR FEAR
Maybe you watched too many cartoons as a child where pressing buttons and pulling levers had drastic repercussions – or perhaps you’ve been hurt by indicators before – but you have to learn to love again. Indicating is basic driving etiquette and will save you a number of uncomfortable car-to-car shouting matches.
You’re a law abiding citizen taken to a dangerous extreme. Clearly you’re in the business of rounding down, which has left you terrified even to approach the designated speed limit – and unfortunately this is the reason that all the other drivers hate you. Give in to some of that crippling peer pressure and get a move on.
7. DRIVE-BY VIBES
Cruising is an essential part of life, especially if you’ve got romance in your sights – but as with all things, it’s worth exercising a little moderation. Abusing your suspension offers instant cool factor and turning that bass up to eleven is as good as a serenade in these modern times, but this is a fine line to tread unless the ladies you’re looking for are attracted to the suggestion of spare time gun crime.
8. SO MUCH HATE
You’re not on the road to make friends or even to demonstrate basic courtesy – and you want everyone to feel your merciless road wrath. Pedestrians fear you because of your violent recklessness and your unfortunate fellow drivers have a voodoo doll in their glove box. Guess whose face is on it?
9. GRAND THEFT AUTO
Video games are a great way to live vicariously through characters whose actions have no consequences – but this doesn’t mean you should emulate their behaviour in real life where there are actually repercussions. Grand Theft Auto is host to some sketchy part-time jobs and questionable treatment of streetwalkers, both of which you can officially scratch off your acceptable car etiquette list.
10. MARIO KART
As above – video game rules and life rules have few overlaps, especially when the game’s premise involves Italian plumbers racing around a turtle overlord’s haunted castle with their anthropomorphic giant ape and dinosaur buddies. For this reason, all banana peel, turtle shell and squid throwing should be kept to an absolute minimum unless you fancy a serious run-in with the law.
Good luck in your road rehabilitation.
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